The Summer I Turned Handsome? This Man Is Having Sex With Two Sisters

By Charlotte Dekle

COUSINS BEACH, MA — Inspired by the hit Amazon series “The Summer I Turned Pretty”, local Massachusetts man Barney Conklin has reported entering into two simultaneous relationships with a pair of sisters, Constance and Jessica Fisher.

“Yeah, I started watching the show with my sister and I was hooked. It seemed like a fun time to be bouncing between two siblings. One, dark and brooding. The other, bisexual. I needed to find something like that for me,” Conklin said.

Then, Barney remembered his past love affair with local bisexual Jessica Fisher who, coincidentally, had a dark and brooding older sister, Constance. Barney had been pining for Constance since his youth when he would stay with his father’s not-gay-lover-just-best-friend Shawn Fisher in his beach mansion. Barney yearned for Constance’s slight whine, floppy hair, and often called her “Connie, baby.” Jessica, on the other hand, is bisexual and has bad credit. We all know what that means. 

Conklin’s dedication is so strong that he is orchestrating the long and painful death of Shawn Fisher so that he can have grief sex with Jessica and also make Constance jealous.  “It’s what Shawn would’ve wanted,” Conklin explained.

Friends of Conklin from before his TSITH era have remarked about the tremendous personality shift in their friend. “It’s almost Machiavellian how manipulative Barney has become in pursuit of his end goal of having sex with siblings. There has to be an easier way,” said Chris Benanti, one of Conklin’s childhood friends.  “Although, I do recall a couple of years ago, he once wrote lengthy love letters to various girls in his grade, backdated them to their youth, and sent them to the girls and blamed it on his sister. He got his first girlfriend that way.”

For future plots, Conklin has booked a trip to Paris for the summer and is planning a haircut.