What The Hell, Sure! Source Material Is Dead, Let’s Make Grendel Sexy

By Noelle Medina

SCANDINAVIA, 975 AD – Following the widespread praise for Emerald Fennell’s dark romance adaptation of Wuthering Heights, Warner Bros. Pictures has greenlit a project to bring the old English classic Beowulf back to the big screen. While casting has yet to be announced, we already know they don’t give a shit about staying true to the poem. So, fuck it! Who better to play the beefy, brooding Grendel than the only actor to ever play monsters on screen: Jacob Elordi?

“Imagine going to the movies expecting the film to be good, and instead there’s Jacob Elordi with mommy issues in a fursuit roaring and grumbling about being cruelly outcast from the world. Screw the source material, I’m leaving that theater satisfied and a monster fucker,” said Letterboxd user vampirefujo. 

“He’s sort of been typecast, which makes him perfect for the role,” explained casting director Willy Smith. “He just has the stature of a really sexy, unsettlingly tall, slightly demonic man that inspires a carnal sort of yearning in viewers. And when you’re casting the role of a monster, you’ve got to factor in sex appeal or else none of the middle aged women on BookTok will give a shit about your movie.”

Aside from casting, set to direct the film is Ari Aster, known already for exploiting European folklore for cheap scares and shots of Florence Pugh frowning. Pugh is unavailable to play Grendel’s Mother due to her upcoming role as the titular heroine in Sean Baker’s Jane Eyre, also starring Jacob Elordi as Mr. Rochester.