All Football Hopefuls Must Tryout With an Eight Bar Cut of “Single Ladies”

By Charlotte Deckle

LOS ANGELES, CA — With football walk-on tryouts just around the corner, legions of wannabe Trojan football players line up with their prepared eight bar cut of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”. 

This new “audition” process for making the team comes after a push for a more holistic approach to recruitment for a team in desperate need of pizazz. The approach itself was inspired by the undefeated run of the William McKinley High Football Team in Lima, Ohio in the 2009-2010 season where openly gay kicker Kurt Hummel would perform Single Ladies before punting the ball into successful field goals. 

Although most of the roster has already been selected, coach Lincoln Riley saw an opportunity to expand the capabilities of the team with this new requirement for walk-on candidates. “After a rough season last year, we determined that we needed to reevaluate how we choose our team. For too long, we have been laser focused on selecting the strongest thrower or best kicker but we’ve been ignoring who can do the best body roll and shimmy while rotating their hand and singing. That’s what has been missing” says Riley.

The hopefuls themselves have been spotted practicing in the locker room before tryouts. “Is it ‘pump down then up’ or ‘up then down’ during the ‘Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh’ part?” freshman Caleb McIntosh asked.

Competition is so stiff that two players were caught using steroids (tear sticks) to make their performance more emotional. They’ve been expelled from the school for severe lack of talent. To accommodate for the new process, USC has also developed new facilities, spending $2 billion for a dance studio/practice gym that Kaufman students could maybe also use. 

For callbacks, hopefuls will also be asked to sing a 16 bar cut of “On My Own” from Les Miserables which is just standard industry practice.