Trump Actually Anti-Capitalist King
By: Charlotte Dekle
WASHINGTON, DC—Inside sources revealed that Trump is deliberately crashing the economy so he can free the United States from the capitalist shackles that once held it.
In a surprisingly cogent series of tweets this afternoon, President Donald Trump justified some of these plans following the lapse of the 90-day pause. He delineated some remarkable quasi-communistic plans in which his economic policy of excessive tariffs would lead to an end to global antagonism. “As Karl Marx once said in the Communist Manifesto: In proportion as the antagonism between the classes within a nation vanishes, the hostility of one nation to another will come to an end. We love that Manifesto. All of my fellow communists should read it. It’s wonderful work. Wonderful.” he tweeted.
“The stocks are plummeting? Big whoop! Should we still be kept down by the bourgeoisie that seeks to control and subjugate us? I love these tariffs! To quote Lenin, the capitalists will sell us the rope with which we will hang them, lots of rope, very impressive!”
After these recent tweets, Trump was caught reading The Origin of Family, Private Property, and the State by Friedrich Engels on a bench in Georgetown. A stack of novels next to him included such authors as Angela Davis, Dashiell Hammett, and Suzanne Collins.
Republicans and Democrats alike are perplexed by the switch-up, which is typical for two neoliberal associations that are both entwined with corporate greed (Trump’s words). Confused MAGA Republicans and leftists have both started printing t-shirts with Donald Trump’s image wearing a Che Guevara Laulhère beret. Trump has advised against the decision, decrying this rampant consumerism as the enemy.
After the Democrats saw Republicans were in favor of the change, Democrats decided, in the spirit of bipartisanship, to wear red Armani pantsuits in partial support of the decision while still remaining in the pockets of corporate America. The far-left wing of the Democratic Party remains unmoved and will elaborate on his fake communist sympathies in an upcoming Substack essay.
