“Now Bring Us Some Figgy Pudding!” Chants Increasingly Violent Mob

By Bill Rockas

MILWAUKEE, WI – Tragedy struck at 6:20 P.M., December 15 when a small group of carolers were denied the figgy pudding requested in their song. The incident has since intensified, amassing a large mob that have incited national riots.

Lead caroler Janet Quibble described encountering the unsuspecting Jepperson family. “We came upon a seemingly nice family in a lovely house and began our carol. What followed after… it was appalling! We wished them a Merry Christmas. We brought good tidings to them and their kin. So, naturally we were entitled to some figgy pudding. We asked through song and the family responded by blankly smiling at us. A rage began to bubble under the surface.” The carolers described a collective drop in their expression as they continued to plead. One anonymous caroler flashed his gun at the home owners to convey his frustration.

The Jepperson family responded by closing their doors mid-song. The carolers escalated the confrontation by throwing bricks through the family’s window while chanting “We won’t go until we get some! We won’t go until we get some! We won’t go until we get some! So bring some out here!” The initial group was joined by those sympathetic to their protest; the Jepperson’s are surrounded by an estimated 3,000 caroling protestors. The tension has continued for seven days so far with more expected to come.

When asked for comment the Jepperson’s replied “WHAT THE FUCK IS FIGGY PUDDING?!?!”