By Megan Dang
LOS ANGELES, CA — A resounding cheer was heard on Beverly Boulevard and Genesee Avenue last Friday when James Corden was flattened by a semi-truck while filming “Crosswalk The Musical”.
“Crosswalk The Musical” is infamous for victimizing innocent people on their daily commutes by forcing them to watch Corden dance around in some fuckass little furry costume with the most nauseating B-list celebrities you barely know. Ray Somers, a former U.S. prisoner of war, spoke out about being subjected to a crosswalk Dear Evan Hansen on his way to work. “I’ve been water-boarded, electrocuted, beaten, bound, and starved,” Somers shared, “but ‘Crosswalk The Musical’ is by far the cruelest form of torture I’ve ever experienced. Guantanamo Bay could really take a page or two out of Corden’s playbook.”
Throughout Corden’s reign of terror debasing Broadway and traumatizing unsuspecting civilians, nobody has ever been bold enough to fight back against the oppressor—until now. Our heroic cargo semi-trucker, Leonard Riley, was one among many forced to suffer through a crosswalk rendition of Cats. Held hostage by a red light, Riley endured a grueling ninety-three seconds of Corden’s odious jig before he snapped.
“He started doing these horrifying pelvic thrusts in his tabby cat costume, and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, really. Or, well, I guess his back,” Riley explained. “I had to run him over. It was a matter of self-defense.”
Onlookers clapped as Riley pulverized Corden into a British pancake, then reversed the truck to make sure the job had been done. The court acquitted Riley, unanimously agreeing that this was a fitting and long overdue punishment for Corden’s unforgivable crimes in Into the Woods, The Emoji Movie, and that shitty Camila Cabello reboot of Cinderella.