By Lily McLaughlin
LOS ANGELES, CA – This past week, the USC carrot mascot was mercilessly shot and killed outside the Village Dulce following a stand off with DPS and an unidentified suspect. He was 46-years-old in carrot years, 85 in human years.
According to DPS, the killing of the carrot lovingly known as the adult man who cosplays a vegetable (or to some, Greg), was a complete surprise. The vitamin A-filled shooting extravaganza occurred around 8:30 p.m. and left a human-sized orange splat on the pavement. FMS Custodial Service has placed a “CAUTION: WET FLOOR” sign on top of the carrot gut chunks to ensure that nobody contaminates the crime scene.
“I didn’t even see it happen, but I heard it,” said USC student Cara Johnson. “I don’t want to get too much into it but my mom was a carrot farmer herself. It hits pretty close to home to have someone like that leave so soon…Campus is really not going to be the same without him on Trousdale… I need a minute…” Johnson proceeded to take a carrot out of her pocket and use its greens to wipe her tears.
A suspect from the shooting has not yet been identified, but DPS reports they’re in search of a 40-50 year old male with green eyes and green hair. He was wearing a green shirt, green jeans, and bright green Air Jordans. When asked if the suspect to look out for is just a stalk of celery, DPS as a whole shook their heads and pshawed.
USC intends on paying their respects to Mr. Carrot and his family by holding a memorial outside his favorite carrot friendly eating establishment, Dulce. “He was such a staple in our community,” said the Dulce owner. “I loved when he did that thing with the sign…you know what I’m talking about.”
When reached out to his family, they asked for prayers and privacy at this time. He leaves behind his human wife, Marie, his two hybrid human-carrot daughters, Charlotte and Carrie, and the support of the USC student body.