“Oh Wow, You Have a Tech Startup in Palo Alto? That’s Sooooo Cool” And Other Useful Phrases to Get Laid This Weekend

By Lili Adkins 

Caption: There’s just something about guys who wear the skinny jean/running shoes combo (heart eyes emoji that I can’t access for some reason)

LOS ANGELES, CA — To all the unemployable: this weekend may be your last chance at acquiring any semblance of financial security. With plans to leave PAC-12, USC will play Stanford for the last time ever on Saturday – meaning this is our last opportunity to pull the loneliest, sweatiest, and most economically viable Stanford student we can find. If you’re looking to bag your own Palo Alto dreamboat, use these lines on the lankiest man with the patchiest facial hair at the tailgate to secure the bag your Humanities degree could never offer! 

  1. “Oh wow, you’re a Business/Comp Sci double major with a tech startup that uses AI to give you new ideas for tech startups? That’s soooo cool and super interesting. You should tell me about it for, like, a couple hours at your hotel or something.”

There is nothing that turns a man on more than the sound of his own voice talking about AI. Listen, I know you couldn’t care less, but the ideal target of your seduction won’t be emotionally intelligent enough to notice how bored you are. Opening his mouth is the first step in opening that joint bank account!

  1. “No, I didn’t need to finish my sentence. Nothing I was about to contribute to the conversation could possibly be more important than your tech startup. Oh won’t you please tell me more?”

He’s going to interrupt  you a lot, but do your best to remain calm. If you start getting frustrated, just remind yourself how it will feel to be the baddest bitch at your kids’ private school PTA meetings. All good things require patience.

  1. “No, I don’t think you just got into Stanford because the previous four generations of your family got in and donated money to have a building named after them! You, like, totally pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. It’s actually super hot.”

This man has never touched a bootstrap in his whole life. But you know who is gripping one hard at the tailgate? You! You’re making your money the old-fashioned way: doing nothing at all.