By Levi Elias
After wise words from one of the greatest independent arthouse filmmakers of the 21st century, Kevin Feige, Psychology and Anthropology double major Brianna Hornkle took to Instagram to inform her followers that she was in the general vicinity of both Barack and Michelle Obama, and they were not. She then proceeded to stare at her Instagram biography, a short summary of herself that is intended to share her thoughts, interests, and characteristics with the world. An all encompassing expression of who she is as a human being. She stared at her bio for upwards of 147 minutes and ultimately made the decision to leave it simply as “USC ‘23” after realizing that she has no discernable personality.
Hornkle’s current instagram bio states “USC ‘23”, followed by a series of four emojis: sparkle, sun, daisy, and a jumping dolphin. There have been several iterations of the four emojis, exchanging the sun for a smiley face and the daisy for a pencil, but the dolphin has remained untouched. For a short period of three weeks during Freshmen spring semester she had @dailytrojan underneath her name from her sheer excitement of being admitted into a club, but she quickly removed it after learning the treacherously mundane and dysfunctional internal operations behind The Daily Trojan. Veteran followers may recall the most momentous change in her bio:“CMHS ‘19” to “USC ‘23” after completing high school.
But now, as Hornkle graduates from college without a job offer and only having had 1.5 sexual experiences, she reflects on her life. “What am I if not a student? Am I just a mindless participant in the societal normativity of education?” ponders Hornkle. “Who am I?”
Whenever asked to introduce herself, Hornkle has always responded with “Hi, I’m Brianna Hornkle! I’m a senior from Eastern Pennsylvania double majoring in psych and anthro at USC.” Now, she has been reduced from five facts to just two, Briana Hornkle from Eastern Pennsylvania. This soul crushing realization has rendered Hornkle speechless, as she cannot come up with five things about herself without mentioning something affiliated with USC. “Umm, I… Uh… I like… I like…”, Hornkle falls to the ground, crying in agony. “I like Matcha from Dulce and going to the 9-0 with my girls”. While crying, she swipes out of the Instagram app, leaving her USC ‘23 bio untouched.
But one week later, Hornkle’s bio has changed! No longer does it state “USC ‘23”. She has found her true passion and identity, and she expresses it with “USC Dworak-Peck ‘25!!!! ✏️☀️????????”