By Scott Altsuler
BOSTON, MA – After Al Gore invented the environment in 1993, “energy efficient” corporations have spent countless resources ensuring to the public that they prefer to avoid turning the planet into the blazing range of mountains that the Book of Revelation predicted. Unfortunately, these energy companies’ most influential inspiration and advertisement – the ever-growing hole in the ozone layer – has started decreasing in size, and scientists project it will be fully re-formed by 2066.
“With our transition to solar and wind energy actually helping the planet, there’s soon going to be no demand for clean energy on the market,” General Electric CEO H. Lawrence Culp Jr. informed reporters after commuting to his local grocery store via private jet. “Nobody’s gonna feel the survivalist adrenaline rush of wanting to pay extra money to pretend like we’re not all gonna die by fire and carbon, but now we might actually not! And that sucks for us!”
CEO of NextEra Energy, John W. Ketchum said, “We need to burn this hole back open. Or else people will keep using the cheap, environmentally-shredding energy from Exxon and Shell, and I’ll have so much less money.”
Most recently, Ketchum was last seen with his team dousing the Texas-sized plastic garbage island in the Pacific with gasoline. When asked for an explanation, Ketchum reassured reporters, “We’re gonna get the world right back to how it should be! Ketchum’s gonna turn this motherfucker to ash!”
“We’re losing the fear factor, and goddamn, I just love the smell of fear,” growled Culp.. “This is a disaster! We never thought switching to clean energy would actually help!”
Amidst all the rising fear among clean energy corporations, ExxonMobil’s CEO, Darren Woods made a statement reassuring his fellow greenhouse gas goblins. “Don’t worry, boys. Daddy’s got this.”