By Darrien Snyder
LOS ANGELES, CA – Li’l Timmy, a local 6-year-old boy, is fed up with mankind’s superciliousness. Timmy got detention for railing against his first grade teacher on the matter, so we caught up with him to see where this frustration is coming from.
After writing “I Will Not Profess the Flaws of Our Arrogant Species” 20 times on the chalkboard, Timmy had a moment to speak his mind. He raised his hand high above his 3’6” frame, and said he’s “had it up to here.” According to Timmy, “Humankind is in the footpath of Icarus, and if we maintain to follow unwitting arrogance with vigorous speed, we will fall into an irreparable inferno.”
It was at this point that Timmy’s teacher Mrs. Carr gave him a Hush Hush Card, keeping him from speaking with us further. “He wasn’t like this before we did a read-aloud of Cat in the Hat,” said Mrs. Carr, wiping child vomit from her pink flamingo print dress. “Granted, we did read Nitzsche’s ‘God is Dead’ just before this, but my students normally adore that one.”
Here’s what Timmy’s mother had to say on the school’s curriculum: “What? They’re making them read what? Who are you? Get out of my house.” Clearly, the curriculum left her too distraught to comment.
Paul, Timmy’s classmate and best friend, also had some enlightening perspectives on the matter. “That cat was so silly,” he told us while putting sand from the sandbox in his pockets. “Timmy’s also silly. He likes to grab me by the shoulders and ask me if I’m seeing the devil too.” When asked about the sand in his pockets, Paul ran away full speed.
The next day at Recess we caught up with Timmy to try and connect the dots. “Consider this,” said Timmy, “the Cat in the Hat brought to these poor children a proverbial Pandora’s box, a toy to reckon with their Id, a terrible terrible shame.”
At this point Paul ran by and continued to throw the sand from his pockets at other kids. “Take Paul for example,” Timmy continued, “This child is a slave to his hubris. In reading Cat in the Hat, I was awakened: man is doomed to defy God in pursuit of sinful satisfaction. Like throwing sand in people’s eyes.”
Having said his peace, Timmy started off. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” he said, “I’ve pee peed myself and need to find my mommy.”