Breaking: On Top of Everything Else, Now It’s Cold Outside

By Charlotte Phillipp

MADISON, WISCONSIN — On top of the daily horrors that we now call “life,” experts have confirmed it is now also cold outside.

“Listen, I don’t want it either, but it’s going to stay freezing outside for the foreseeable future,” Jim Hurley, Madison 9’s local meteorologist said during a live broadcast. “There’s nothing we can do about this, just like there’s nothing we can do about the impending apocalypse coming any day now. The negative 10 degree weather is going to strike just like the end of the world will,” Hurley said while staring into the abyss that was the news studio’s camera. His producer quickly redirected him to pass the broadcast back over to the main desk for a heartwarming story about a 105-year-old woman who is returning to the workforce. 

“We could hardly deal with all this crap when it was nice outside!” commented local resident Carly McClair. “Our society was barely functioning when it was a pleasant, temperate 65 degrees during the day. How do you think we’re going to handle a worldwide disease outbreak and climate change when we have to get up in the morning and spend 10 minutes putting on snow boots and shoveling the driveway? I would have retired to Florida years ago if I knew it was going to be like this.”

Mother nature could not be reached for comment at this time, as she was busy burning to death from increasing carbon emissions.