by Emily Torp
LOS ANGELES CA – Southern California woman Melissa Martin was deeply offended after her Amazon Alexa Show® suggested she try a keto lettuce wrapped sandwich recipe. The device was simply doing its job, but the woman was nonetheless perturbed.
“I literally had to take the day off work, I was so upset. I will not be given unsolicited advice in my good Christian household! I had to spend my entire evening checking Facebook for how to overcome the embarrassment. That stupid Alexis! How dare she!?”
Melissa, grateful for the opportunity to share her harrowing experience, wanted to send a strong message to both the weight loss industry and feminists. “Carbs aren’t the enemy, you know. Diets are a slippery slope. In this day in age, it’s dangerous for women to get minds of their own. Diets come first, then what? Tank tops? Skirts above the knee?”
Fred, Melissa’s boyfriend of two years and self proclaimed flat-earther, informed Melissa that her Amazon “Alexis” is always listening to her and reading her thoughts, so she needs to be careful what she says and thinks in its general vicinity. Fred refuses to enter Melissa’s kitchen because she “drinks tap water which the government spikes with sedatives to maintain an obedient population.” He only drinks the condensation he collects from his car windshield in the mornings, and he also warns Melissa that the microwave is selling her secrets to China for a small fortune.
Melissa for some reason listened to Fred’s advice and has been dropping hints to her device so that it knows she is in fact in no need of a diet by saying “I’ve lost 10 pounds!” and “SKINNY!” within earshot of her device. But she still insists that she is not insecure about the incident and that weight is just a number and not a true indicator of health.
Fred has suggested that Melissa sue Amazon for pain and suffering. The environment’s, delivery drivers’, warehouse workers’, small business’, and independent bookstores’ pain and suffering, not hers. Melissa is still considering it, and is also considering leaving Fred since he has slipped up since the incident and said she “looked really good in college.”
In reality, Melissa’s Amazon Alexa Show® suggested she try a low-carb meal because it heard her yell “No, Fred!” out her window to stop her boyfriend from scaling the wall of her apartment building since he believes stairs are a hoax, and mistook it for “No Bread!”