By Mia Young
IRVINE, CA— Area college student Kyle Martin, an emotionally needy freak, desires to be loved.
“Yeah, my friends actually make fun of me for it.” he laughed, looking down at the Nike Air Huaraches he bought specifically to impress girls. “I just don’t get it. No matter how ripped and shirtless I am, I can’t find a girl to wife up.” Upon hearing this our Sack reporter ran to the nearest trash can to violently upchuck.
Kyle showed us his Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match, and eHarmony profiles, all of which state that he’s “just a Jim looking for his Pam” and “6’1’, if it matters.” However, his matches were absent of “bad bitches” and only included girls who listened to “weird shit” like Mac DeMarco and Bjork.
He later revealed that he feels like his love life is a lost cause, and that he’ll probably just die alone because no one can “keep up with his gains” anyways. He also said that he wishes could talk to his friends about his need for romantic validation. However, they all make smoochy noises and pretend to vomit whenever he brings it up.
We also contacted Kyle’s ex-girlfriend, Brittany, who stated that he, “still has my fucking Juul” and “stole my big bottle of Svedka even though he said it was a ‘bitch drink.’” The two dated for three months before Kyle made out with Brittany’s best friend, Allison, in a frat house basement. “Oh yeah, Allison… she was a bad bitch,” Martin said in his defense.
“Bad bitch this, bad bitch that.” said his friend, Dominic. “He’s fucking gross, bro. Everytime we see a girl at the skate park he starts crying.” Kyle then punched Dominic in the arm and said, “Ayo, shut the fuck up man. Don’t embarrass me in front of this hot reporter.”
Our reporter later received an unwanted picture of genitalia via Snapchat from kyleisaboss901.