By Rachel Michelman
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tucker Carlson shocked viewers on Wednesday night, when he shifted his hair on camera to reveal that he wears a LEGO hair piece that connects to a stud on his head. The host of Tucker Carlson Tonight reportedly did not know cameras were rolling at the time.
Carlson, in a public statement released on all social platforms—including MySpace, OnlyFans, and Roblox—announced that “The tolerant left is non-existent. This is the world that Biden and the Democrat Party want us to live in. Look out America, first they’re coming for our hair helmets, next they’ll take away our guns and say that others deserve the basic human rights I have. We are in danger.”
“Sure, I’m surprised, but I’m more perplexed why he chose one that frames his face into the shape of Ohio! Who chooses to have a right angle on one side of your forehead and a swoop on the other!” said 19-year-old, Twitter liberal Alice Hemming, who proceeded to post a picture of Carlson’s face photoshopped onto the state of Ohio.
President Donald Trump has since gone on to praise Carlson for his bravery. “Tucker is a great guy. I like Tucker. People don’t like him but I do. The radical left and marxists are trying to stop an honest man and that’s no good. No good at all,” said Trump as he mechanically rotated his hair piece 180 degrees. “We all should be buying LEGO hair pieces! LEGO will be the building blocks of the American economy.”
In days since his announcement, Carlson’s fans have packed LEGO stores in support of the Fox News host and emptied them of merchandise. “I’m here to support a true American hero,” commented Randy Howards, a lifelong conservative. “God bless America and my new hair helmet. The libs can’t beat me with baseball bats when I’m at counter protests now!”
Tucker Carlson Tonight will be taking a week long hiatus to let viewers come to terms with the situation. When it returns, Fox News has stated that it plans to display a warning graphic, rating the show for ages 65 and up, and will be more upfront to audiences about hosts. Since the announcement, Laura Ingraham revealed in a Facebook livestream that she has “proudly wore Polly Pocket wigs ever since the Obama presidency made her tear her hair out.”