by Finn Kobler
After four years of deflecting, averting, and combatting just about every piece of negative press thrown at him, it seems we’ve finally found President Drumpf’s (get it? Drumpf’s) kryptonite. At 10:58 PM last night, the 74-year-old released an official statement saying he’ll “probably resign” after visiting your Facebook page and seeing that totes savage, bruh-moment, ROFL-worthy meme you just shared from the official “Sarcasm” account.
Trump noted that the content of the meme was simple, but biting. With impact text over a rather damning photo of him at one of his rallies, a caption read: “My name is Donald J. Trump. The J stands for ‘Jenius’ and I’m running for Cheeto-in-Chief!” “It was a not-nice takedown” Trump stated later on in his announcement. “It tastefully mocked my jaundiced skin and that’s the hugest factor in choosing the leader of the free world. Very important! Plus, it effectively satirized how much of a stupid, dumpy little chode goblin I am! The dumpiest! Believe me, I’ve talked with several people who are good at spelling, smart people, and, according to them, ‘genius’ is spelled with a ‘g!’ Not a ‘j!’ This is powerful stuff. You did it. You put me in my place. It was all thanks to you.”
Nancy Pelosi, current Speaker of the House, after seeing you share the aforementioned photo, also congratulated you on your courage and intellect. “It takes a lot of guts to shout low-hanging fruit into an echo chamber of your closest friends, but someone had to do it. Thanks for saving America.” Pelosi was also adamant that what you chose to share about Trump is exactly what everyone should be focusing on: not the treason or the orders to murder innocent protesters or the immigrant children in concentration camps or the sexual assaults that have occurred in those camps or the war crimes in Syria or the war crimes in Yemen or the war crimes in Iran or the tax evasion or the negligence of Puerto Rico or the failure to properly handle a pandemic or the participation in a child sex trafficking ring or the multiple instances he’s shown he’d rather go scrote-to-throat with Vladimir Putin than aid a single working-class American. No. THIS was EXACTLY where you should be investing your time and energy.
It’s not just Pelosi, though. Several powerful people outside of D.C have been singing your praises, too. Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix, found the content so hilarious, he’s offering you three stand-up comedy specials on the spot and Pope Francis is negotiating a visa into the kingdom of God with Saint Peter as we speak. When a Sack reporter asked the Bishop of Rome about his controversial decision, he responded: “Cheeto dux eorum in semetipsos! HA! Ego cacas funniest est quod umquam” or, roughly translated, “Cheeto-in-chief! HA! That was the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.”
With Trump’s plan to step down, the Republican party is currently scrambling to find a replacement candidate. Mike Pence is currently being considered, as is a white Furby that’s been programmed to exclusively say “Gross! Poor people!” Meanwhile, Democratic candidate Joe Biden is celebrating early. The former Vice President just announced that, when elected, he’ll be taking 100 million dollars out of the healthcare budget (a luxury Americans don’t need) and buying a plaque for every white person who shared that meme to remind them they’re “One of the Good Ones.” Several of his campaign advisors believe this strategy is a waste of money, since racism will end the second Trump gets out of office, but have yet to say anything in fear of alienating moderate voters.