By Jonathan Krone
RIVERWOOD, FLORIDA — Local animal lover Reggie Whiteman reported today that his parrot Polly was repeating racial slurs with more enthusiasm than he thought was appropriate.
“Guinea wop, Guinea wop!” screeched the bird with more gusto than was acceptable, as Reggie shook his head apologetically. “I mean sure, I come home and complain about the Micks that work at the bar near my house, but I think Polly is just a little too into it when she repeats ‘stupid kraut’ over and over. She’s taking it out of context.”
Whiteman’s wife Elaine shares the same concerns. “It’s crazy what these things pick up. You complain about the greaseball goombahs who hang on the street corners at night five or six times, and suddenly Polly is shouting offensive comments when we have Italian-loving company over! It’s really embarrassing that our bird doesn’t have more sense.”
Whiteman was forced to move the bird’s cage outside after a pretty explosive tirade directed at “Polacks.” He sighed, “I’m starting to think that we got a racist bird on our hands…it’s probably the goddamn Jewboy at the birdshop’s fault.”
“JEWBOY! JEWBOY!” Polly echoed over-excitedly.
“You see, that’s a bit much isn’t it? I mean I would never yell Jewboy in front of people!”