Tall Guy Could Be Taller

by Keith Herrmann

LOS ANGELES, CA – Local tall man Jacob Marzaroli could stand to be a few inches taller, sources reported Wednesday. 

“We just feel that at 6’0″, he’s really doing the bare minimum,” said Stephanie Fellner, a friend of Mazaroli’s. “Like, you’re not six-foot-nothing, you’re *a* six-foot nothing.”

Many friends of Mazaroli reported they had felt misled by his self-reported height of “pretty tall,” assuming that the student was in the neighborhood of 6’1 or 6’2. “When Jake finally told me that he was six feet, I was waiting for him to finish the sentence,” said Paul Marzaroli, Jacob’s father. “Like, six foot what?” But the sentence had already ended.

Others were more sympathetic to Marzaroli, noting the stigma against the somewhat-tall in modern society. “Plenty of great men are or were six foot even,” notes Professor Marc Garner, who teaches Height Studies at the University of Southern California’s Dornsife College of Letters, Arts and Sciences. “NBA point guard Chris Paul. David Duchovny.” When pressed, however, Garner was unable to come up with more examples.

“I’m just afraid that he’s going to go on some misogynistic rant about how women don’t date men who are six foot even,” worried Tana Janson, a classmate of Jacob’s. “I mean, I don’t. But I’m sure he’ll find someone who’s right for him.”

At time of printing, Mr. Marzaroli was spotted fleeing the country after reports surfaced that he was measured at 5’11” without shoes.