USC Village’s Newest Establishment Just Empty Room Where You Can Spit On Poor People

By Patrick Duffy

LOS ANGELES, CA – Students and patrons at USC Village will soon have a new spot to meet, socialize, and spit upon the underclass, with the opening of FLEM.

FLEM, which bills itself as a “cross-socio-economic saliva experience,” is set to occupy the retail space previously occupied by Rance’s Pizza. But rather than deep-dish pizza, FLEM will offer its customers the opportunity to spit on poor people.

Patrons will enter the establishment, pay an admission fee, and be escorted into a windowless, furniture-less room filled with low-income people ready to be spit on, or “spit bitches” as FLEM calls them. From there, they will be allowed five minutes to spit and sneer on the wretched proletariat before asking if they would like to pay for a time extension.

“We’re so excited to bring the FLEM experience to USC,” said FLEM manager Andrew Gleek. “We looked at a wide variety of colleges and found that no university is more ready to spit on the working poor than USC is.”

Last Wednesday, FLEM had a soft opening, allowing a lucky few to try out the services before the grand opening. “It was a really cool experience,” said USC sophomore Kimberly Tiffany. “One of the spit bitches was the old lady who used to live in my apartment before the landlord raised the rent and moved us in, so that was really cool.”

“Most of the spit bitches come from the local community, and involving the local community is what USC Village is all about,” said a representative for the university, pointing out that after just a few hours of being spit on, the minimum wage employees would almost be able to afford a meal at one of the Village’s many restaurants.

At press time, FLEM was in contract disputes with USC over the university’s alleged claims that students would be able to use dining dollars at the establishment.