by Amanda Douglas
DENVER, COLORADO – Traveling all the way from Newport Beach, the Parker family was in for a wild ride after local dad Jeff struggled to open a giant map while guiding his wife Linda on their road trip to a Denver Best Western.
Nearing their destination, the family approached a fork in the road. In a panic to direct Linda, Jeff ended up in a wrestling match with his giant map, twisting and tearing the paper in an unnecessarily aggressive attempt to view the complete picture. The crumpled mess ultimately engulfed him, and completely unaware of his surroundings, Jeff confidently declared that Linda must drive east.
Their son Robby, who was sitting in the back seat, explained, “The hotel was literally right in front of us when my mom suddenly made an aggressive, illegal U-turn.” To make matters worse, Jeff’s giant soda spilled all over his lap and giant map. He insisted on pulling over so that he and his map could “air-dry on the shoulder like a couple of dirty seagulls.”
Robby was skeptical of the map from the start. “It looked like it was in a foreign language, but my dad said he just had to have it. Come to think of it, I don’t even think it was a map of Colorado,” he commented.
“I started using this bad boy after my phone messed up our entire tropical vacation two years ago,” Jeff explained, pointing to the monster of a map. “I mean, we all know there’s a land bridge from the continental U.S. to Hawaii, but that bitch Siri wouldn’t give me the goods to get there.”
The family roamed the interstate for hours as Jeff, now fully entangled in waxed paper, ordered Linda to “drive in the shape of a snail’s shell.” They ultimately ended up trapped in a warehouse for six days. “Jeff was one hundred percent sure the hotel should be in that spot, so he made us stay,” Linda said. “And then he asked the maintenance guy for room service so many times the police had to escort us out.”
Last time the family went on a road trip, Jeff directed them into a Bat Mitzvah where the patrons proceeded to pick up the car, place it on a chair, and dance them around the room.