Freshman Unable to Rush Calls Himself “Gay Little Girl” in the Mirror Every Night to Imagine What Might Have Been

by Veronica Marks

LOS ANGELES, CA – The University of Southern California decided to defer fraternity rush, effectively stopping new students from joining fraternities until their second semester. In response, freshman Chad Nelson has resorted to calling himself a gay little girl in the mirror every night to imagine what might have been.

The new rule requires students to have a 2.5 GPA and twelve units before rushing a Greek organization. The decision has caused a variety of reactions across campus, including outrage.

“I’m deeply upset that I won’t be able to participate in the philanthropy, the support, and the brotherhood of a fraternity until the spring semester,” said Nelson. “But what I’m going to miss the most is being referred to as a gay little girl by another adult man.”

Every night, before he goes to sleep, Nelson looks in the mirror. “You’re a gay little girl,” he tells his reflection. “What are you? A little girl? Are you gay? Are you a gay little girl? Come on, you gay little girl.” He then punches himself in the stomach.

“Fraternities are an invaluable part of the college experience,” said Nelson, drinking an entire keg of beer on his own. “They provide a sense of community that is absolutely necessary to young people looking for support. And for young people looking to be called a homo pussy,” said Nelson.

The rule was announced after the Vice President of Student Affairs met with representatives from USC’s Greek life. While the decision was intended to give freshmen a chance to adjust to college life, many say that the decision will have a negative impact on students.

“Fraternities are an integral part of USC’s history,” shared Nelson, picking up a wooden paddle. “This paddle has been used for member intake and booties since 1889,” said Nelson.

Nelson raised the paddle, as if to display it proudly. Then, he used it to whack his own behind while calling himself a number of offensive slurs.