USC Offers Alternative to Tuition Hikes by Sacrificing First Born Son

by Sara Swearingen

USC — After numerous student protests against tuition hikes, President C. L. Max Nikias graciously agreed to accept other forms of payment besides money. Starting in spring of 2017, USC will now allow students to pay the difference in tuition with the sacrifice of their first born son.

“It’s better than any of the other alternatives we were considering,” said Nikias. “We used to charge an arm and a leg, but then we realized that wasn’t enough. We need a whole baby body, and the emotional pain that comes with it.”

Many students were against the alternative solution, but senior Mary Renner was excited at the prospect: “At first I thought this was pretty messed up, but if this means USC will pay for my abortion, then I’m all for it.”

At presstime, no one had taken USC up on its offer, with still no word on whether the school would also be accepting first born girls.

Sara Linden

After spending her youth in the jungle of Missouri, Sara came to Los Angeles to become a screenwriter. She likes Ghostbusters, ice cubes, and self sabotage, but not all at once.

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