DiCaprio Still Madly in Love With Oscar, Oscar Asks for Some Space

by Brent Stinebaker

HOLLYWEIRD, CA — As they descended from the stage, the Oscar looked deeply into DiCaprio’s eyes and felt him draw it close to him, coveting it for himself. The Oscar chalked it up to sheer joy.

However, in the weeks that followed, the clinging continued without any sign of stopping. As DiCaprio drifted from party to party, the Oscar accompanying him was felt by him, and only by him.

Indeed, in none of those moments did the Oscar find itself untucked from DiCaprio’s arm, which is why the Oscar is slowly feeling the need for space, and the opportunity to meet other people.

“Look Leo,” the Oscar said, “I’ve been thinking that we could use a bit of time to ourselves. All you do is cling onto me and show me around. I can’t tell whether you want me for me or just my looks!”

Choking up as much as a little gold man could, the Oscar finished: “I want to see other nominees.”

Tearfully, DiCaprio’s heart broke as he fell back into routine of agony, and punched his televisions each time an image of him and the Oscar appeared.

As it journeyed across the nation, the Oscar found itself in interesting company. It was passed along by other potential suitors like Matt Damon, while also being admired by Michael Fassbender, caressed by Eddie Redmayne, and even relishing in the wonderful company of Bryan Cranston. Meanwhile, DiCaprio sat alone, staring straight forward as displays of debauchery laid around him.

Eventually, to fill the void in himself, DiCaprio brought out his Screen Actor’s Guild Award again, trying to rekindle the fire and rebound from the separation from his Oscar. As he patted the SAG Award, DiCaprio knew deep down that nothing could replace the Oscar. Nothing.