University Executes “Great California MakeOut” Disaster Drill

by Staff

USC–Following the success of the “Great ShakeOut” earthquake drill, USC’s Disaster Preparedness SCenter will begin to institute more real-life-disaster simulation drills. However, the University hopes to prepare students for potentially dangerous situations, beyond just natural disasters.

One such drill, the “Great MakeOut” will attempt to simulate the last moments of life before a humiliating catastrophe. This Friday, from 10:15 to 10:30 am, students are encouraged to find the nearest person, intake copious amounts of alcohol, and sloppily hook up, all before the inevitable black-out.

The University has found that many students have been executing this type of drill for years without official instruction, encouraging the administration that these measures will resonate with the fears of the student body.

“How’s that different from any regular Friday morning?” passing frat star, Ted Ways, asked.

This part of the drill also functions as a test run for invite season.

Other drills proposed include:

The Great TakeOut, in which students simultaneously make obnoxiously large Tapingo orders.

The Great FlakeOut, in which Larry David instructs students on how to cancel plans last minute.

The Great DrakeOut, in which students stop, drop, and sing “Hotline Bling.”

The Great OpaqueOut, The Great RakeOut, and the Great ForsakeOut, are also on the table.

Confident these procedures will help student and faculty preparedness, Chief Safety Officer James Bartowski stated: “We are taking these drills very seriously. Each will have their own unique alarm and execution strategies. For example, to signal ‘The Great DrakeOut’ drill, Meek Mill’s “Dreams and Nightmares” will blast over the intercom.”