Desperate TKE to Hold Tertiary Rush
by Axel Hellman and Tyler Pullen
GREEK ROW– With two entire fraternity houses to fill – TKEast and TKE West – and a pledge class of less than half a dozen, non-tier fraternity TKE has begun the formal recruitment process for the third time this semester.
“Third time’s a charm!” said one of the more optimistic actives.
The fraternity will forcibly escort freshmen and sophomores to a variety of rush activities where they will have the privilege of socializing with current brothers.
On day one, TKE plans to have a simulated sky-diving outing, followed by a traditional “getting swole” night at the Lyon Center. “Every night is ‘getting swole’ night,” proclaimed one poster plastered proudly on the fraternity’s living room wall.
On day two, rushees will gather at TKEast for a snapback-bedazzling event. Every year, this event is responsible for the West Coast’s largest single bulk order of glitter, and the fraternity told us gladly that no glit goes unglued.
Day three will be skeet shooting on the first yacht they can find with the doors unlocked and the keys in the glove compartment. TKE is hoping the event will run smoother than in the past, as I’m sure most upperclassmen will remember the tragedy of TKE Rush ‘12, where three courageous brothers tragically and literally shot their eyes out.
“We were pretty pleased with turnout at our information session” chimed in TKE recruitment chair Bernard Rumsfeld II. “We had ten guys who were dropped during secondary rush at some other frats, a homeless guy who ate all of the pizza, and one confused freshman who seemed to think it was the Medical Volunteering in Mexico club – and who are we to crush his dreams!?”
“Way better than last year,” said Charlie Quimpelton, the lone, scarred survivor of TKE’s Fall 2013 tertiary rush. “I mean if we could just get a few more guys, we’ll, like…DOUBLE our pledge class!,” he exclaimed proudly, holding up three fingers.
The fourth night is the final night of their rush, as recruitment funds run pretty low by the third installment, and so will be capped off by the highly exclusive blue chip dinner. TKE actives promise us that only the most elite of the rushees are invited, and even some of them don’t make the final cut in this elite brotherhood of college paradigms.
Vice president of the fraternity, Eddie Kroner, has high hopes for this third round of rush events: “If all goes well, we won’t even need our fourth and fifth recruitment weeks this semester!”