UCLA to Ban “Tribute to Troy”

by Anshu Siripurapu

After banning the USC Drum Major from stabbing the turf at the Rose Bowl last year, the UCLA Athletic Department has just informed the Spirit of Troy they will not be allowed to play their famed “Tribute to Troy” during the annual rivalry game between USC and UCLA next Saturday Nov. 30 at the Coliseum.

“It’s just too intimidating and it never stops,” UCLA head football coach Jim Mora said in a press release, “I don’t want my players getting scared.”

The last time the two schools met at the Coliseum in 2011, a game which resulted in a 50-0 blowout win by the Trojans, several UCLA students and players reported having fainted after hearing the pounding drums and earth-shattering chords.

“I thought there was an earthquake,” Joseph Broon, a business student at UCLA majoring in strategic embezzlement, said, “It was just too much, I woke up in the hospital.”

“Tribute to Troy” has been played at every successful defensive stop for decades.

UCLA originally wanted the band to wear blue and gold for the game, but settled for the ban after negotiating with Dr. Arthur C. Bartner, director of the Trojan Marching Band.

“Stabbing the field, I can live without,” said Bartner, “But this is just getting ridiculous.”

While an official complaint to reinstate the piece is unlikely, there has already been talks of retaliation from members of the USC band.

An anonymous band member told the Sack of Troy, “Let’s just say the kids won’t be alright.”