By Charlie McCollum
WASHINGTON, DC – Instead of wallowing in misery after election results indicate a Biden victory, the Trump family has locked themselves within the Oval Office posing as flamboyantly poor revolutionaries.
Sources report the doors of the office have been locked down from inside. An insider who would like to be known as ‘Anonymous’ warns that the barricade currently consists of thousands of broken-down Meliana doubles, extra paper towels from Trump’s Puerto Rico hurricane relief rally, and Hillary’s Emails.
A group of journalists listening through a cup on the wall report that Barron Trump started the fracas, belting “Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men?” with his sultry pubescent baritone. He’s bonked his head on the glass ceiling a couple of times in the process.
“Will you join our crusade?” Asked Jared Kushner while the power trio of Donald Jr., Eric, and Melania hastily nailed planks of gold onto the gorgeous oval office doors.
Donald Trump was seen aggressively hunkered down in his desk, as per usual. He made a brief appearance to burst out for his fiery solo: “The blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of France!” No one at the Sack dared to fact check the president’s claim. There seemed to be a love brewing between Donald and Jared Kushner, as the two ran to the corner of the office to sing ‘A Heart Full of Love’ while in a tender embrace.
As Ivanka loaded up her Charleville Musket, the beautiful Trump choir belted into a pitchy refrain that evoked the likeness of an all-white performance of In the Heights. Time will tell to see if this battle cry will lead to any theatrics, revolutions, or possible deaths, but it is clear that Meliana is nowhere to be found.
At press time, Rudy Giuliani and Betsy Devos are performing a mean ‘Master of the House’ in the Red Room.