CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ — Invincible serial killer and bad luck holiday enthusiast Jason Voorhees threw a fit last Sunday when he realized a meme claiming that Halloween falls on Friday the 13th this year was in fact a joke.
“It’s not my fault,” said Voorhees. “It was just so convincing.” The meme in a question is a distorted image of Count Chocula with Impact font text that reads: “Hey girls and ghouls! Did you know? Halloween is on Friday the 13th this year. This only happens once every 69 years. Spread the word! Bottom text.” The meme was traced back to an original post by @furrymcnazi on the r/spookymemes subreddit.
Kuyper Bone, Voorhees’s roommate, recalls Voorhees finding the meme. “We were just chilling in the front room looking at our phones when Jason started freaking out. Like full-on hyperventilating, shouting ‘No way! I can’t wait! We gotta get ready!’ I asked him what’s going on and he showed me the meme. That was the moment of truth. It was like ‘Should I tell him?’ I looked at that hockey mask, he was so happy. But I figured it would hurt less to hear it now from me than later from Freddy Krueger. That guy’s a dick.”
Voorhees admitted he didn’t initially believe Bone, who had to pull out a calendar to show Voorhees why it was impossible for the two holidays to coincide. “It sounds like it should be right, right?” said Voorhees. “Why can’t Halloween’s date change like Yom Kippur?”
Voorhees announced that he was “unbelievably irate” following the discovery he had been tricked and had plans to “kill some cross-faded teenagers having sex” to calm down, whatever that means.