by Joey Rayburn
MIDDLETOWN, KY – After finishing up her first year of college in Los Angeles, Middletown native Shelly Parker has returned home, and there’s no way she doesn’t think she’s better than all of us now.
Parker arrived back in town only a few days ago, but it’s already plainly obvious that she thinks we’re just all a bunch of simple-minded rednecks. While Parker has denied any feelings of superiority, one of her former classmates, Jennifer Shin, could instantly sense Parker’s smugness during a run-in at the local mall.
“She had on this super fake smile and was all, ‘Hey, how’ve you been? How is U of K?’ It was so clear that she thought she was better than me just because she went to school out of state,” Shin said. “You could almost hear her say, ‘How is it only living an hour away from home and in a town where the nicest restaurant is a Chili’s?’ Screw her! Chili’s is bomb.”
Even Parker’s ex-boyfriend, Matt Heyman, could sense the arrogance. “I heard she was back in town, so I shot her a text to see if she wanted to, y’know, hang,” Heyman explained. “Right off the bat she was showing off, talking all about how she’s met all these ‘new’ and ‘exciting’ people. It’s like I’m yesterday’s news or something!”
Shin had a few thoughts on what has caused Parker to become so conceited. “She obviously thinks that we’re a bunch of backwards hicks just because you can’t drive twenty minutes outside of town without seeing a cow,” Shin said. “There’s no way she actually views her hometown in a positive light as a place filled with aspects she both treasures and regrets. How could she? She lives within driving distance of Bradley Cooper!”
While it’s clear Parker is an uppity, self-centered deserter, Shin believes it’s not worth it to become upset by Parker’s haughtiness. “We don’t need her approval. We’ve been doing just fine without her,” Shin explained. “Our Applebee’s just got Dr. Pepper flavored ribs last month! What could be better than that?”