by Cameron Wen
HOSPITAL — In an attempt to gain superpowers local comic book fanatic Jason Huang jumped into a vat of nuclear waste earlier this week. Since the incident the only abilities Huang has gained are a high fever and projectile vomiting.
“The real powers haven’t kicked in yet. I can tell. This is just the first phase,” assured Huang while keeled over a bucket. “Just look at any comic book, this is almost every superhero’s origin story. Soon enough, I will lose the physical limitations that normal humans have to face.”
“At this point the only thing he seems to be losing is his hair,” commented Dr. Francine Beckstrom, who has been overseeing Huang’s sickness at the hospital. “Unsurprisingly, Jason is actually experiencing common radiation poisoning.”
It seems this behavior is not uncommon among teenagers in the area.
While visiting the hospital, Huang’s close friend Ernie Muniz insisted on showing reporters a dog bite by a supposedly radioactive dog.
“I can feel myself getting stronger by the minute. I’ve been twitching with energy. So much so I’ve been foaming at the mouth,” barked Muniz.
“I don’t get what’s with these kids,” added Beckstrom. “Super Powers don’t exist! Just the other week we had a girl in here who said she wanted to be a super heroine. So she overdosed on heroin. That’s not how these things work!”
The diseases contracted by Huang and Muniz are unlikely to spread to other teens in the area– hopefully their stupidity won’t either.