Trojan Family Confronts Issues of Incest, Nepotism

by Dylan Abrams 

Above:  Two members of the Trojan Family about to commit incestuous acts

CAREER CENTER — For years, the Trojan Family has prided itself on being a tight-knit, inclusive community that looks out for its fellow members of the USC community. 

Troubling reports of sexual relations between members of this family have arisen recently, and USC offered the media a response to accusations of incest.

Jed I. Knight, spokesperson for the USC Department of Ethics, released a statement earlier today, “While at first we stood by our methods, we realize these foul practices have to stop. For goodness’ sake, we’ve got sorority sisters in love with their other sisters, their fraternity brothers, and most abhorrently, themselves.”

Knight went on to say, “We have morals to uphold. The last thing we want is to be known as one of those universities that uses sweatshops to make their apparel, racially profiles their students, or under-reports sexual misconduct.”

In addition to such incestuous problems, USC officials are being forced to confront their endorsement of nepotism. It’s no secret the USC Career Center openly encourages USC graduates to hire employees based on their membership in the Trojan Family.

As of press time, no recent USC graduate could confirm they have actually benefited from the USC Career Center.