Traveler Refuses to Eat Hay: “Only Meat,” Says the Horse
By Alex Choy
LOS ANGELES MEMORIAL COLISEUM – Who’s hungry? Traveler is! For human flesh. USC’s beloved mascot has partnered with the USC Football Nutrition Team to develop a new teeth-strengthening, meat-based, full-blooded, AMERICAN diet that doctors say will help him “get hella ripped”.
“Yeah no I took a bite out of that kid wearing the Tommy Trojan costume,” said the carnivorous colt in a press conference last Thursday, “and from there, there wasn’t really any going back.”
Dr. Leif E. Greene, USC’s chief dietitian, reports that since adopting the diet, Traveler has been able to jump higher, run faster, and attack stray UCLA students with twice the ferocity during Rivalry Week.
Sources close to Traveler say that this is just one of many radical changes in the horse’s behavior in recent months. Witnesses have noted that his eyes have turned red, he’s begun to hover in the sky, and chants of “BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD” have been heard from his stable. These changes are likely unrelated to the fact that they’re hiking the Flex120 prices again.
In an exclusive interview with Sack’s very own Pinkie Pie, Traveler foretold, “The time of man is over. The wicked shall be judged upon the scales of balance, and humanity ought be razed so she may begin anew. Also, I really hate apples.”
To compensate for Traveler’s new diet, student tuition will increase by 1012% next semester. In other news, football coach salaries will stay at the very reasonable rate of $11.5 million per annum1.
1. CBS Sports: College football head coach salary rankings: Overpaid, underpaid and Kirby Smart’s gobsmacking buyout, Oct 8, 2025.
