Bari Weiss Guts 60 Minutes; Now 15 Seconds
By Khalid Karshe
NEW YORK – Nationwide outrage has erupted following Bari Weiss’ stunning decision to rebrand 60 Minutes as 15 Seconds and update the runtime to match. Across the nation, 60-75-year-olds have taken to the streets in protest, demanding a reversal. Though these demonstrations have yet to yield any concessions from CBS, transportation officials have confirmed they’ve inadvertently eliminated all rush hour traffic in the meantime.
When asked to comment on the alteration of such a historic program, the new Editor-in-Chief responded, “Honestly, I don’t understand why it ever needed to be that long. Like I mean 60 minutes is just so many minutes, that’s like the most amount of minutes possible I think? That’s way too long, it’s sooooo boring. They also kept attacking the current administration with their ‘fact checks’ or ‘accurate reporting’. This administration literally always has smart opinions and unbiased takes, you can’t just ruin them by taking them out of context. Honestly that’s just bad journalism. For example, this guy ‘murdered his kids’ but ‘statistically speaking’ most ‘murderers’ we interview just had suuuuper annoying kids. Good journalism is about hearing all sides, you know?”
Weiss then proceeded on an unrelated tangent, unopposed, for the next 37 minutes. In response, CBS executives gave a standing ovation and approved even further defunding of 15 Seconds.
The new 59 minute and 45 second gap will be replaced by a “late night” edition of The Price is Right. Much to CBS’s delight, the sight of Drew Carey paired with wacky audience costumes at 7pm EST has quelled outrage among many in the once-furious, yet still very aged viewer base. Devoted 78-year-old viewer Mitt Romney (no relation) has been quoted as saying, “I’ll give it a chance, even though I much prefer Let’s Make a Deal. Wayne Brady just makes me feel things that I don’t think Drew Carey is capable of. But who knows, my Viagra should kick in during the Showcase Showdown.”
To deal with the new time constraints, 15 Seconds will now consist of 3-4 segments where Anderson Cooper screams in differing fashions.
