100% of Frats Giving Up Hazing for Lent

By Jackson Sneeringer

LOS ANGELES — Mildly traumatized pledges and students just trying to find a quiet fucking space to work can finally relax, as 100% of college fraternities nationwide announced they are committing to giving up hazing for lent. Starting now. Probably.

“We, like, would’ve started when lent, like, actually started but there was something we had to take care of first,” said University of Iowa Alpha Delta Phi president Chad Connor. 

The lead on this movement was taken by USC’s own TKE chapter who made the announcement after seeing the incredibly moving “These Hands Don’t Haze” booth in front of Tommy Trojan last week. 

To further demonstrate their commitment to the spirit of repentance and piety, every frat at USC has declared they will follow in the footsteps of Christ Almighty and take on even more lenten sacrifices. “One of the brothers had a really good idea to, like, also do the fasting and prayer thing, but like only the new membs,” said Lambda Chi Alpha member Tyler Prescott. 

“Yeah, we are giving up hazing, right, so as a thank you, they are giving up food. And they have to do, like, public sermons. For God, of course,” added Pi Kappa Alpha member Brackson Barker.

“In an age where no one seems to respect the name of Jesus H. Christ, it’s nice to see these kids setting a good example for the rest of their generation by committing themselves to good faith and bringing back loving God and thy neighbor,” said devout Irish Catholic and Phi Beta Kappa alum Beong-Soo Kim