Epstein Family Plaza Renamed to ████████ Plaza

By Alex Choy

LOS ANGELES, CA — Children everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief. To avoid association with  prominent USC alum Jeff “Jeffrey” Epstein, Viterbi’s Epstein Family Plaza will be rechristened to █████████████ on Friday. ████████ ████████, a Marshall graduate who’s “really into AI” and “was only at the island to look at cool trees and shit”, donated a generous sum — evaluated at six Varsity Blues scandals— to have the honor of having a lawn named after him.

████████████████████████████████████████████████, CEO of Blackrockheedmartin, said ██████████████, so we lured them ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████: Barney the Dinosaur. ███████████████████████████████.

████████’s donation comes with curriculum changes to several schools at USC. Keck students will learn about how it’s really cool to become blood bags to keep the rich young. Annenberg students will now have required internships with Fox News. Leventhal will be renamed the Bernie Madoff School of Finance. SCA will have a class dedicated to direct quote: “causing more MeToo’s”.

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When asked why the school would partner with such a corrupt entrepreneur, Former-Interim-President-Turned-Current-President Beong-Soo Kim said: “Do you have any idea how fucked we are right now? Ever since we turned down that academic compact shit, Trump’s been really fucking us in the ass. No lube.” 

Kim’s media team and lawyers requested The Sack of Troy redact different parts of this interview. However, they didn’t pay us like ████████ did, so we took their comments under strong consideration before immediately forgetting them and going back to wining-and-dining our donors.

“This is our chance to get on his good side again. He and ████████ have been really good friends since their island days. Wait shit, oh fuck, I wasn’t supposed to mention that part. Uh… uh… forget I said anything.” 

Kim then announced that he was going on sabbatical, which was the last time anyone heard from him.