New Gerrymander Packs Your Room With Your Sibling’s Room

By Alex Wong

MONTPILIER, VT—After a date night involving multiple bottles of chardonnay, your mother and father jointly announced their own mid-decade redistricting push late last Tuesday that packs your room with your sibling’s room. 

The new map, released to the public via Facebook post, will almost certainly result in an adult majority at the dining table, according to Charles Cheese at the nonpartisan American Redistricting Project. “This is stunning. Absolutely stunning. It is without a doubt the dramatic culmination of decades of tension over proper dining etiquette, middle school report cards, the acceptability of having sex with the neighbor’s offspring, and whether or not you deserved a time-out that one time in the fourth grade.”

In a text message sent earlier this morning on WhatsApp, mother insisted, “this is a family first map that best represents the common sense, rule-abiding, and elder-respecting values of our household. Mommy and daddy truly believe that this map will ensure the best outcomes for all members of our beloved family.”

Despite the claim that the map reflects “elder respecting values,” experts were quick to point out that the finalized map notably cracks the previous district of the grandparents’ room by drawing a 3-inch-wide strip across the backyard to connect grandpa’s side of the bed with the doghouse. Reports seem to indicate this was a demand from mother after last Sunday’s family dinner devolved into a shouting match with grandpa over whether or not Donald Trump is the “Messiah”.