USC Admin Announces Budget Woes Will Be Solved as Soon as Six-Leg Parlay Hits This Weekend
By Alex Wong
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a Thursday press conference, Chair of the USC Board of Trustees, Suzanne Nora Johnson, announced that the University’s 2025-2026 fiscal year budget woes would be solved through a six-leg NFL parlay this upcoming weekend. The parlay, placed on FanDuel earlier this morning at 3:37 AM, wagers $117,000 at +177463 odds to garner a return of $296,927,113 and 60 cents. While some may question this usage of financial resources, this calculated gamble is nothing new for Johnson, who served as the former vice chairman of Goldman Sachs, a financial powerhouse known for its aggressive investing strategies and capabilities to consistently beat the market.
Johnson’s poignant address was quick to soothe the minds of doubters and reinstill trust in the university’s finances. “To our donors, parents, faculty, and students, this move affirms USC’s commitment to being an institution of higher education where academic achievement, thoughtful dialogue, and mutual understanding flourish as long as Elic Ayomanor and Jake Tonges are touchdown scorers this weekend, Tyjae Spears secures two receptions, Joe Flacco reaches 300+ passing yards, the Bills cover the spread, and Taylor Swift is shown at the Chiefs game at least three but no more than seven times.”
When asked if the university would consider cashing out early once enough was made to avoid layoffs, USC Interim President Beong-Soo Kim interjected, explaining that they “weren’t sissies” and that “90% of gamblers quit before they win big.” This latest development in USC’s budget saga comes after bombshell legal documents released to the public last weekend revealed a failed effort to pretend USC stood for the University of South Carolina, rendering it impervious to debt collection.
