E-Scooter Snuck Into Doheny and Leavey

By Violet Rose Wang

LOS ANGELES, CA – Hundreds of students lives’ were threatened today when two psycho fucks brought their electric scooters into Doheny and Leavey library.

Freshmen maniacs Archie Bishop and Ransom Murder feigned unknowing innocence as they walked into their respective libraries, with the volatile contraptions in their grasp. Thanks to the keen eye of the security guards, they noticed the immediate danger at hand and pressed the E-Scooter Alarm buttons hidden under their desks, sending a text, email, letter, call, telegraph, morse code, second email, carrier pigeon, and Duo notification to every student on campus, notifying them of the attack. The guards then shot them to death, as per DPS protocol.

“The brave actions of these enforcement officials saved the precious lives of many of our administration today, and they also saved a couple hundred unimportant people, too” said Dr. Erroll G. Southers, USC’s Associate Senior Vice President of Safety and Risk Assurance. “It is times like these that remind us that guns don’t kill people, electric scooters kill people. That’s why we’ve also placed Storm Reid on the terrorism watch list.”

At press time, it is still unclear as to whether the threat was coordinated between the two of them, if they were each lone madmen, or if Al-Qaeda is back for round two.