Graduation Sash Embroidery Malfunction: They All Just Say ‘Cum’
By Ella Grossman
LOS ANGELES, CA – Graduation season is in full swing, which means campus is swarming with soon-to-be graduates in culty white dresses and red sashes adorned with reasons why they’re better than you. However, some of these soon-to-be unemployeds were shocked to find their sashes returned with no embroidered club patches or “Thank you dad”. Instead they just say “cum.”
“Due to an overwhelming surplus of orders, our embroidery machine malfunctioned,” responded USC Bookstore to all the upset seniors. “Any sashes that had Summa Cum Laude or lower now just say ‘cum.’ That’s cum as in latin not as in–” The USC Bookstore did not finish their statement, but it was inferred the latter was referring to the English synonym for jizz, spunk, ejaculate, or milky treat.
Senior Lorraine Stenberg was shocked to see all of her greatest accomplishments were not represented on the piece of red fabric she paid $400 for, “Like yeah, it’s kind of funny but I wanted everyone to feel inferior when they saw I had multiple SCA scholarships.”
It may be hard for these future professionals to post family friendly graduation photos on Linkedin, but perhaps this malfunction was for the better– a great equalizer for USC, and a good reminder we all started in the same place. Cum.
