White Smoke Actually From Chill AF Pope Who Vapes
By Noelle Medina
VATICAN CITY – After two restless days of waiting, the conclave to determine the next leader of the Catholic church ended in a haze of geeky goodness floating through the streets of Vatican City.
Insiders confirmed that after the cardinals ran out of the pine rosin used to create the white smoke signalling the end of the conclave, pope elect Robert Prevost offered to help out by huffing a few puffs of his Geek Bar out of the Vatican’s chimney.
Eyewitness Charity Francis recalled the moment she noticed something unusual was afoot. “When we saw the white smoke, everyone in the crowd started screaming. People were falling to their knees, reciting prayers in Latin. I guess they went to the bougie Catholic schools where they actually made you pray in Latin like a nerd. Anyways, suddenly people started coughing and I just figured all that crying had made their throats dry. But then I smelled this strange scent in the air and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was… until all of a sudden I thought, hold on… is that Sour Apple Ice?”
Robert Prevost, who took on the papal name Leo for St. Leo the Great, was born in Chicago and attended Villanova University. According to his former classmates, Prevost was always down for a wild night with his boys.
“My boy Leo could pound 20 Coronas in a night,” recalled Jake Tyler, the Pope’s freshman-year roommate at Villanova University. “In our pledge days we called him Leo too, ‘cause one time he smoked so much chronic he thought we were in the African Savanna and all the brothers turned into lions.”
Now seemingly chilled out, those close to the pope elect say he’s traded his beer keg days for a relaxing hit of Tropical Mango every now and then. Aside from his popely duties, Leo still enjoys winding down with his brothers (in Christ) and popping a bottle of wine (unblessed of course because they’re not animals!). Of course, he always keeps his vape of choice on Holy hand.
“He may have gone all Quaker crazy after Pike didn’t give him a bid, but man… all that smoke? I knew my boy still had that Wildcat in him,” Tyler chuckled.
