By Finn Rollings
LOS ANGELES, CA – A USC School of Dramatic Arts major has made archeological history this finals week by uncovering a previously undiscovered concrete construction on campus bearing the name “LIBRARY.”
Using our unstoppable press passes, we at The Sack secured an exclusive seat at SDA junior Ryan Jacobsen’s presentation on his findings at the Archeology Research Center. Told through song, interpretive dance, and a baffling amount of audience participation, we have conveniently condensed Ryan’s two-and-a-half-hour, one-man, rock opera into this legible format.
“I was walking back from studio session, pas de bourrée-ing my way down Trousdale like always when I suddenly noticed the people around me were so devoid of pizazz.” Jacobsen proceeded to detail his attempts to teach these students how to sashay their way through life, but they paid no attention. Instead, they shuffled mindlessly towards the center of campus in unison – with Jacobsen in hot, grapevining, pursuit.
Then, they arrived. Utilizing crude graphite sketches and even cruder object work, Jacobsen detailed the shrouded image of an ivy-covered temple tucked away in the quad, long forgotten by the sands of time. There, carved into the craggy stone was the inscription “LIBRARY.” According to Jacobsen’s research, neither he nor any SDA major had ever heard of such a building, let alone laid eyes upon it.
“It appeared to be a shrine to the mystical shaman ‘Doheny,’” shared Jacobsen, as a hush fell over the crowd. “If my findings are correct, the students around me were no classmates at all, rather, acolyte worshippers of this false idol and practitioners of the dark arcane magic known as STEM.” Jacobsen’s face turned gravely serious, whilst the stage lights dimmed to a dark blue. “I suddenly felt an unnatural pull. Out of nowhere, I felt as if I should do something with my life. A voice told me I needed to put my collegiate years to use – and somehow the answer was inside that cavernous chamber.”
In the nick of time, from the practice field, the marching band fired up a rendition of “That Long Ivory Tooth Thingy on an Elephant,” an early rough draft of the Fleetwood Mac classic, knocking Jacobsen out of his voodoo trance just in time to sprint full speed away from the unholy halls of “LIBRARY.” And not a moment too late, as he was just in time for his hardest final for Movement class which demanded he “walk through the space like you’re happy.”