By Bill Rockas
BOULDER, CO – Forensic scientists are conducting various tests across multiple social media platforms to understand whether two mutuals, Kylie Jetz and Ben Berberber, are still dating.
After meeting Kylie and Ben in Freshman bio, you knew their drama was just as important as any celebrity couple and even superseded geopolitical conflict. The investigation was officially opened upon seeing that Kylie posted nothing on National Boyfriend Day, tacitly implying she wished Ben would burn in a house fire and have the skull of his burnt corpse shattered with a ball-peen hammer. Days later, Ben posted a photo of himself rock climbing shirtless. Slut! This became a national emergency within minutes.
The program employs hundreds of top-notch investigators, all of whom believe that asking the couple directly would be a faux pas. “You only know Kylie and Ben well enough to stalk their feeds and obsess over minor details in Instagram stories. Honest conversations are for priests and empty bedroom corners,” advises the National Agency Regarding Dating Statuses (N.A.R.D.S.) Director Jane Heebeelee. The investigators are looking for details in every photo and post available. “It’d be so much easier if they were one of those mushy, terminally online couples that tagged each other in their bios and had complementary profile pictures,” says co-executive media consultant for liked posts on LinkedIn, Flynn Cobbler.
Since the initial concern, Ben has gone to the gym more frequently, Kylie cut bangs again, and you haven’t had so much as a hookup in over a year. Just pathetic. After petitioning the scientists to either come to a conclusion or disband, Heebeelee responded, “Oh they for sure broke up. We don’t do this because we care. We just like obsessing and gossiping because nothing is going on in our lives. Also, I bet Ben doesn’t give oral”.