By Finn Rollings
LOS ANGELES, CA – In a scramble of epic proportions, The Trojan Knights, the official hosts of USC, accidentally invited a most unwelcome guest to campus: an eldritch beast of unknowable horror and terrifying titanhood.
Amidst guarding their part of the student section of the Coliseum like it’s the North Korean DMZ, Chloe Lang, Trojan Knight and letter “B” in “Caleb Williams,” dropped her football helmet nachos. All The Knights, eager to help, got down on their knees to locate the missing snack which was spotted by Andre Seager (letter “W”). Yet when the snack was returned and The Trojan Knights stood back up, they began to feel something strange– a rumbling even.
“My tummy just started tingling, and then next thing I knew the tingle was a burn,” said Seager. “I honestly thought it was the churro combined with the nine Coors Lites.” Thoroughly jumbled from the search, their stomachs then spelled from left to right “BELWIL IL SMAAC,” the name of His Wretchedness, King of the Depths, and Lord of the Underneath Place. “I saw the skin underneath my yellow ‘B’ start to molt and rot, glowing with an eerie turquoise light,” shared Lang. “Then it all went black.”
Seager, Lang, and the rest of The Knights shared that they have no recollection of what occurred next, and their memories of that night and subsequent days are still spotty. Police reports from the Coliseum say in a flash of blue fire, every light in the stadium was snuffed out and the scent of rotten eggs permeated the air.
Around the eastern 15-yard line, a crevice in the Earth formed and He emerged: taller than ten buildings and humming like a choir of ravens. Extending a school-bus-sized finger into the sky, His Unholiness cast a ring of crackling plasma around the perimeter of USC’s campus. Ancient runes flew from his fingers and into the mouths of gawking fans. Then in a crack of thunder, He was gone. While the crowd was certainly terrified, they all seemed to agree that, “it wasn’t as cool as the drone show.”
USC Classic’s Professor Armitage Dunkland, who oversaw the Trojan Knight’s return to reality in the Student Health Center, told The Sack that all demons, spirits, and beasts have been properly dispensed with, and that the Knights can safely get back to doing “whatever the hell they do.” When pressed on the ring of plasma and the fate of the campus, Dunkland got a far-off look in his eye and simply muttered, “lost.”
In order to prevent a repeat offense, The Knights have purchased one of those ropes that kindergarten classes use to get around field trips to ensure they keep their order straight. We assure you The Sack has taken similar anti-summoning precautions, despite printing the name “BELWIL IL SMAAC” several times throughout this article.
We firmly assure readers that t̷͙̔h̸̢͇͘e̶̺͇̯͋̚r̶͖̈́ë̷̫́ ̸̖̿̆ĩ̷̡͍̔͠s̴̰̑̕̚ ̶̬͔͇̿̕ņ̶̺͍̂͠o̴͔̪̊̋t̵̝̍͊̍ḧ̷̢́̓͝i̵͎͂͜ͅn̷͖̄̊ǧ̷̭̟͎ ̵̗̝͗t̴̤̲̞͆͌̚ó̴̮ ̷̨͔̈́̽̕b̴̫̀̀e̶̫͑ ̸̤͓͖̋̆c̶̡̙̤͗̔͊ö̸̭́ṅ̶͖̭͙̐͝c̶̪̪͙͛͝ë̴̠̯́̍r̸͐͜n̷̛̠̭̩e̵̛͙̹̰̅̈́d̴̬͉́̐̓ ̴̹̮̒͊͋a̷͉͇̳͋͒b̶͔̃́o̶͉͑̃u̴̥̺͒̇t̷͚̙̋͊͠.̵̗́