By Phineas Kelly
LOS ANGELES, CA – According to multiple attendees, that enormous cheer that erupted from the party moments before your Lyft arrived was, in fact, about your departure.
The party had reportedly been going quite well prior to your arrival but immediately took a turn for the worse once you entered, multiple eyewitnesses noted. “You could feel the temperature drop,” said Marcus Andrews, a freshman who already has more friends than you. “I had this sudden urge to stand in a field, empty a bottle of Gorilla Glue down my gullet, and let the elements take me. Or write a Yelp review. I went to a very dark place.”
At one point, event planners attempted to end the party early by calling DPS on themselves, but the operator ignored the plea on the off-chance they would have to endure a conversation with you. Following multiple contact attempts, the 911 operator said they were “driving through a tunnel chhhhhhh I can’t chhhhhhhhh hang up” and ended the call.
Finally, upon hearing you claim unremarkably that “this place blows, I’m heading home,” many of your friends mumbled half-reassurances that they would be right behind you when, in reality, they had no such plans. The guy opening the door for you could barely contain his glee as you walked past him looking for your ride, which was probably a 2016 Kia Sorento or some lame shit like that. Upon discovering you had left the premises, the party hosts reportedly began giving away free drinks and goodie bags filled with unmarked bills, and the music immediately became much better.
The only people not repulsed by your presence that evening were your dork roommates, who somehow enjoyed your hack jokes and hot takes on a movie none of them had seen. God, what a bunch of sorry losers.