By Megan Dang
LOS ANGELES, CA — Self-proclaimed art critic Jeremy Lawther recently visited the Louvre, where he observed that the Mona Lisa would look way hotter and more approachable if she smiled a little more.
“I’m not saying she isn’t sexy,” explained Lawther, who has not felt the touch of a woman in 19 years since his middle school P.E. class’s square dance unit. “I just think she should loosen up a bit. Maybe lose the grandma shawl, put on a tank top, and show off the moneymakers, ya know? It’s 2023, not 16th century Italy.”
Lawther determined that the Mona Lisa isn’t as bad as the Girl with a Pearl Earring, who he thinks has a total resting frigid-bitch face. But neither painted lady comes close to Lawther’s personal favorite: The Birth of Venus. “I really just admire how smart and well-read she looks,” he said as his gaze continually drifted to Venus’s nude breasts like a moth to light. When asked what color her hair is, Lawther refused to comment.
Lawther concluded that Mona Lisa’s “heinous cunt attitude” could be a result of hormonal mood swings, attributing it to her time of the month. When informed that the Mona Lisa is, in fact, a 520-year-old oil painting and does not menstruate, Lawther alternatively suggested, “Menopause?”