Adorable or Dangerous? This Straight Man Knows More About Taylor Swift Than You Do

by Aidan Driscoll

LOS ANGELES, CA – Confounding women everywhere, local man Benjamin Scroggy has shown he in fact knows more about Taylor Swift than you do.

While it is unknown how or when he became such a die hard Swiftie, Scroggy was recently spotted at a local bar simultaneously charming and deeply disturbing female customers. “He was talking about how ‘Cruel Summer’ was his summer anthem, which like, duh, but everyone says that,” says Susan Plonk, who started talking to Scroggy after noticing his official folklore cardigan. “But he really caught my attention when he talked about his outfit for the Eras tour. A t-shirt riffing on the Junior Jewels shirt from ‘You Belong With Me’ signed by all his friends. I started getting suspicious when he revealed that during the concert’s Reputation act, the shirt could be flipped inside out to become the ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ version, signed by all his enemies.” 

Plonk invited Scroggy back to her place under the guise of trading lyric bracelets, but she suddenly changed her mind when she discovered he had one for Swift’s often overlooked collab with B.o.B., “Both of Us”. “He said he’d be happy to give me his ‘Someday I will be strong enough” bracelet, but it was just too niche for me.”

Another bar patron, Elizabeth Slinky, said when the bar started playing “Love Story,” Scroggy realized they weren’t playing Taylor’s Version within three guitar strums. “By the A minor chord he could hear a production difference. Shouldn’t even be possible…” Slinky trails off. “It was inhuman.” She notes that after speaking with the DJ, Scroggy returned to his scholarly assessment of Swift’s private jet usage, although no one could tell if he was defending or criticizing the musician.

When asked about his past relationships, Scroggy lamented that he was getting over a recent breakup, but was actually referring to the high profile split of Swift and actor Joe Alwyn. In fact, Scroggy hasn’t had a long term relationship since 2020, and his last girlfriend listened exclusively to Rage Against the Machine and anime theme songs. He has no female relatives other than his mother, who refuses to listen to anything newer than the Police.

One woman journeyed into the belly of the beast for a Miss Americana viewing, and lived to tell the tale. “Of course he had all the albums on vinyl, I expected that. The 13 tattoo was a bit much, but at least I knew what that was on site,” recounts recent college graduate Rebecca Snifter.

“When I saw the signed DVD of The Lorax, then I felt out of my depth.” She shakes her head. “After finding the two life-size portraits of Taylor hanging in his bedroom I’d seen enough, and I called it off.” Snifter, who analyzed the situation with her two roommates, doesn’t know what to make of it. “It just doesn’t add up. He even likes Lover and that’s got like, what, one good song?”