By Lili Adkins
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Julie Walters boldly posted an Instagram story of the back of a man’s head earlier this morning in celebration of a new holiday, National Situationship Day. Upon further investigation, the man was revealed to be Wyatt James, her long-term, kinda-sorta-committed, barely significant other.
“We’ve been exclusively non-exclusive for seven months now, and I couldn’t be happier. Sure, I’d like to put a label on it, but Wyatt always tells me that I’m being close-minded and giving into societal constructs. He’s, like, so philosophical like that. I think he’s almost ready to commit, though — last week, he asked me to come over before dark, and he wasn’t even drunk!”
Walters smiled and airily sighed. “We Fryfted to Panda Express after we hooked up, meaning he’s finally ready to be seen in public together. Sure, I paid for his Bigger Plate because he forgot his wallet, but who cares? It’s all in the name of romance. By next year, I’ll probably be able to post his side profile!”
After seeing the Instagram story, James reached out to comment: “Honestly, that could be the back of any dude’s head. How does everybody know it’s me? Now all her hot friends are gonna think that we’re… together.” James shivered, “Gross.”