By Liam Stephenson
LOS ANGELES, CA – After former California senator Dianne Feinstein passed away at the ripe age of 90 on Friday, members of the Democratic party have decided she is finally mature enough to run for office.
“After much consideration, I am proud to endorse Dianne Feinstein as my top candidate for the upcoming 2024 presidential election,” stated California governor Gavin Newsom. “I’ve had enough of these young, immature presidents like 77 year old Donald Trump and 80 year old Joe Biden running the country like little boys. We need a leader that speaks for the older generation. Who better than a woman that just recently shed her mortal coil?”
Staunch republican and Orange County local Hoover Clump, on the other hand, doesn’t agree with Newsom.
“Leave it to liberal psycho Gavin Newsom to have such insane opinions. You need to be dead at least ten, fifteen years to run for president. It’s an experience thing! Dianne Feinstein was probably smoking reefer and doing Tik Tok dances at 90 years old – how can we expect her to run the country? I want the face of my country to be a rotting corpse, not a fresh one.”
Former president Jimmy Carter, who recently turned 99, had quite a few strong opinions on the matter.
“What year is it?” commented Carter with his usual sharp wit, clawing at the air aimlessly. “Am I alive? Who are you? Did Reagan sweep the electoral college?” Carter proceeded to tell a four hour story about playing chess with a prostitute in the 40s, though he spent nearly the entire time trying to remember the woman’s name.
Carter himself is a top 2024 presidential candidate, second only to the long dead George Washington.