By Megan Dang
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local white helicopter mom Katherine Dodson spoke out, unprompted, against the inhumane practice of spanking children while taking her 4-year-old son Tucker on a leisurely walk through the park on his dog leash.
“Spanking is just so barbaric and uncivilized,” Dodson said while Tucker sniffed, explored, and dug holes in the grass. “It sickens me how some people treat their kids!” When asked about Tucker’s leash, Dodson grew increasingly defensive. “It’s not a leash, it’s a Cocomelon Plush Toddler Safety Backpack Harness,” she insisted, pretending there is a difference. She then pointed out that the backpack was shaped like a cute little monkey. “Tucker loves monkeys,” she added with an animalistic gleam in her eye, grasping for any last shred of dignity to make it seem even slightly less fucked-up.
In her gratuitous amounts of free time as a stay-at-home Yelp critic and Nextdoor.com moderator, Dodson also runs a gentle parenting TikTok account where she promotes parenting through positive reinforcement and deep emotional connection. Her content has been praised by vegans, other psychopaths, and middle-aged Christian heartthrob, Tom Brady. “All parents should be closer with their children,” Brady stated, wiggling his sparse, feathery eyebrows at his son. “A lot closer.”
Dodson claims Tucker is on a perfectly normal developmental pathway and is very bright for his age. This is what Tucker had to say: “Give orange me give eat orange me eat orange give me eat orange give me you.” Dodson then took out a spray bottle, squirted Tucker once in the face to silence him, and hissed, “Tucker. Tsst. Bad Tucker! Heel.”