USC to Change Tuition Policy to “Girls Free, Guys $90,000”

By Audrey Serrano

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — In an effort to harbor financial aid requests and utilize policies students are more familiar with, USC is changing their tuition policy to “girls free and guys $90,000.” 

The latest tuition policy is part of a new Title IX program that prioritizes the inclusion of “the females” said USC President Carol Folt. The change will also include USC increasing its financial aid pool by awarding scholarships to male students who demonstrate the ability to “name 5 professors” at the door of the financial aid office. Michael Sanders, a freshman majoring in Economics, was lucky enough to score this deal. “I named 5 WRIT-150 adjunct instructors during orientation and was awarded a Dean’s Scholarship. Now, my parents can FINALLY buy our third house!” 

This updated approach to tuition marks the university’s largest initiative to ensure a proper gender ratio on campus. “It’s amazing that USC took measures to unfuck the ratio on campus. I’m finally experiencing female interaction other than with my mom when she fulfills my Venmo requests,” said Thomas Dalton, a sophomore Political Science major. 

After receiving student feedback on how to further connect students with recognizable practices, USC has decided to further the initiative to expand beyond tuition. Plans are slated to include sourcing student IDs from, a Princess Polly pop up in the Leavey Library basement, and a complimentary Four Loko vending machine at the Village Dining Hall.